So here we are… again. The two of you acting like you are the biggest most important places on the whole wide planet. “Look at me, Pay attention to me; I’m having a big loud confrontation!” I had hoped that at least one of you would have grown up by now. Instead I’m getting all these reports about dynamite vests, brutal occupations, and thousands dead. Honestly, after sixty years of this nonsense I’m just about ready to wash my hands of the two of you. Do you have anything to say for yourselves?

I don’t care who started it I just want it finished. Do you think that this is all I have to do with my time? That I can just sit around all day judging a biggest baby competition between Israel and Palestine. I just can’t believe the selfishness. Did you know that while the two of you were fighting Mexico had another relapse? That’s right, instead of being there when Mexico needed me, I had to come over here and keep the two of you from killing each other. And now poor Mexico is so strung out that she can’t even make a pretence of policing her northern border regions. I hope you’re happy.

And if that wasn’t enough, the two of you have to insist that everybody else take a side in your silly little squabble, as if they don’t have enough problems. Israel, America is busy cleaning up her own mess (she’s not so bright, but she means well, bless her heart). She really doesn’t have time to drop everything every time you get your panties in a bunch. And Palestine, I would think that you would have realized that Iran and Lebanon don’t really care about you. If they were really your friends they wouldn’t encourage you to get into all this trouble in the first place.

Honestly, why can’t you two act a little more like Sweden or Japan? Nice quiet countries who mind their own business and stay out of trouble. Do you remember what happened last time Canada reacted to an act of terrorism by rolling tanks into a residential neighborhood and killing 1500 people? Oh wait, that never happened. Maybe you could learn a thing or two from that Israel. And Palestine, do you honestly think that blowing things up is the way to get what you want? When has that ever worked? That’s right, never.

Now… I’m going to go talk to India and Pakistan. When I get back here I expect you two to have done some growing up and started on a real peace process. One state, two state, I don’t care, just get it done. Honestly you’re embarrassing me in front of the other planets.

Speaking of mud, I was doing laundry last Sunday (what do you do with all those socks?) when your brother called. We had a nice long talk; it was just wonderful for him to take the time. I know how busy he must be, being a doctor and a father. Just hearing those lovely grandchildren over the phone makes me well up a bit. Anyway, your brother bought me a long weekend at the spa. Not to worry, I’ll make some dinners and put them in the fridge. All you’ll have to do is heat them up. It’s funny, you were such a slender finicky child; I used to call you my little sparrow. Now look at you, you’re a big man, like a big round teddy bear full of jelly. Do remember to eat some veggies dear-heart; it will help with potty-time.

Oh, look at the time. You know, I used to think that once I reached mandatory retirement that my life would be one long lazy afternoon full of lemonade and gardening. Look at me now; I just got a 15-cent raise over at the Wall-Mart. I do love spending 60 hours a week just meeting people at the door with a smile, although sometimes my feet ache awfully. Mr. Ramirez, my manager, said that he might be able to take you on part time. You would still have plenty of time to dust all those toys, excuse me “collectable figurines” that I know are so valuable. Well, I’m off to work, (Mr. Ramirez doesn’t like me to be late) thank you again for these lovely flowers, I know that they will look just right in front of the house, at least I know they did yesterday.